One year ago the phone rang...

and we got our travel call!!!! The call came sooner than expected as we were told the wait for travel would be around four months from referral. The call came in the later part of the morning while I was at work. How I managed to keep it together I will never know.

After the kids went to bed we spent several hours figuring out our travel plans. We had to work around Ron's work schedule, Christmas, and my nieces baptism... not to mention crazy prices for flights. It was so stressful because I was ready to just hop on the next flight! It is a very good thing that there were so many events to keep me busy until our departure day... January 1st.

Referral Day Video

I wanted to get this post out for our referral day anniversary... but didn't have time.

Adoption Day

Finalization Tomorrow

The "adopting" chapter comes to a close tomorrow. I couldn't be happier. Although, adoption will always be part of our lives, the days of paperwork, social worker visits, waiting, waiting some more, etc... are finally over. I would do it all again in a heartbeat... but... I am thrilled to be stepping off this insanely wild roller coaster ride and just getting on with life.

Tomorrow is such a very special day. Tomorrow Eden legally becomes our daughter and a United States citizen. I hadn't given it much thought about finalization day until recently. I had spent countless hours envisioning our referral day or the day we finally would meet Eden... but not this one. I am not sure why. Maybe it's because the thought of this process actually being completed was out of the rheum of what I thought possible or something. Now that it is actually here, it is more special than any of the days leading up till now. Sure the referral was super exciting. One of the best days of my life. The day we met Eden and the day we brought her home are up there as well. However, each of those days were such a mix of emotions.

The referral was a day of disbelief, relief, excitement, happiness, along with a shot of off the charts adrenalin. I was high as a kite... and then the anxiety set in. The what if's, the worry, the obsession with the time line to bring her home. I hardly ate for days and would be so hopped up on anxiety and adrenalin I would get the shakes. I suddenly didn't feel the need to sleep. I lost my mind a little bit.

The day we finally met Eden was so surreal. I remember feeling numb. My emotions were on overload and just sort of shut down. Sure, I was super excited and happy... but it just didn't feel real. I remember riding to the foster families home and Ron taking some video. He turned the camera on me and asked, "How do you feel?" I remember wondering why I was so eerily calm. It was like I was watching what was happening in front of me like it were a movie. I wasn't really there.

The day we received Eden is one that is one that I had thought would be the most exciting... and it was exciting. This was the day I had waited for for three and a half years. However, the last moments we spent with her foster mother were excruciating. It was a tearful goodbye that left everyone in tears... including our caseworker who does this for a living. We all met at the SWS office... us, our case worker, and Eden's foster mom. Eden's foster mother's demeanor was different from the first time we met. She was more standoffish... like a little wall had grown overnight. She wasn't unfriendly, but not the warm bubbly person we had met the day before. I know that she was probably trying to distance herself, protect herself from the hurt that would be coming... trying to be strong. We signed the required paperwork, went over Eden's schedule, went through the bags of items Eden's foster mother gave to us, and asked some specifics about how warm she likes her bottle, how she likes to be held... things only a mother knows. We then entered the hallway where the elevator was. Eden's foster mother carried her. I was told to take her from her arms. Her foster mom started to cry. We took one last picture together. She came over to Eden and through her tears talked to her. I wish I knew what she said. She stroked her face. I wished so badly to be able to talk to her, hug her, assure her, console her. I felt so cold just standing there holding what felt like her child while she said her goodbyes. I now wish I would have tried to do or say something. I wasn't expecting that moment. I wasn't prepared. I don't know what I thought was going to happen. I didn't expect to feel so guilty. I just stood there frozen. We were told to get into the elevator. The last image was of the foster mother bending over crying and one of the workers trying to console her. The doors to the elevator closed. Ron, our case worker and I were all crying. The sadness was so thick... it was hard to breathe. Then Eden laughed. She laughed her Woody Woodpecker laugh as if she knew she had to do something to break the tension. She was smiling her dimpled smile and then we were all laughing and crying at the same time. Sooooo this is hardly a day I would say was the best.

Each of these days has been bittersweet. Such a mix of thrill, love, excitement, happiness, anxiety, worry, and... loss. The day we received her referral was the day she lost the opportunity to be adopted within her own country, her own culture. The day we received Eden was the day she lost the only family that she has even known. The day we brought Eden home was the day she lost her country, language, everything familiar. So much loss. And that loss will never go away. It will always be there, always be felt... if even just a fraction.

But tomorrow is different. Tomorrow is not about loss. Tomorrow is about GAINING a forever family and another country. There are no goodbyes, no unknowns, no fear...


This is what makes tomorrow so special... and the happiest day in our journey to Eden.

Finalization Court Date!!!!!!!

Our social worker just called and said that she received word from the Macomb County Court that we will finalize on August 6th!!!!!! I am so excited! It will finally be official... what we have known in our hearts since the day we held her picture in our hand... she will be ours forever.

3 Years

Three years ago today we were logged in with the CCAA to adopt a little girl from China. Three years. We started the adoption process about six months prior to that. I can't believe how long ago that was. So much has happened... Luca has doubled in age, we have a dog, we have a new sister in law, we have two new nieces, I have a new job... so much has changed. If we were still waiting for a referral we would still have YEARS of waiting ahead of us. It's insane. The CCAA is currently giving referrals to family's logged in in April 2006. That means they have a full year's worth of dates in line in front of us. Being that the CCAA is only getting through 2-3 months of log in dates per year... well it could be worst case 6 years before we would get a referral. I'm not saying that is what is going to happen... I'm just saying if the current trend of the past two years holds true then it will be about that long. Lots of people are dropping out of the program though so that may speed things up a bit. Whatever the case we would be waiting a very long time after already waiting a very long time. NOT THE 18 - 24 MONTHS WE THOUGHT WE WOULD BE WAITING.

Anyway, this date no longer brings me pain and holds no real significance in my life anymore. I have the light of my life and she was worth all of it. Every tear, every bit of energy, every prayer, everything.

My heart does break though for the thousands of families still waiting. Not all families have the opportunity to switch countries like we did. They are just stuck waiting. All their hopes and dreams on hold. Although my own personal pain of the wait has lifted... I will never forget what it was like. It makes me tear up right now just typing this. The Sadness, the obsessing, the worry, the frustration, the gloom, the anger. It is something that unless you have experienced it, you never really know what it's like.

For those still waiting, I know that there really are no words that will ease your pain. Just want you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

One Month Home!

Today we celebrate Family Day! One month ago we walked through our front door and became a family of five. What a crazy, exhausting, emotional, amazing day that was!

We hired a photographer to capture our arrival at the airport. Mother Nature... who in Korea delayed us from meeting Eden by a day because of a huge snow storm... once again threw a wrench in our plans and prevented our family from going to the airport. The roads were just too dangerous for them to make the drive. However, our photographer braved the roads and was there to capture our arrival. She then went to our home where our family was waiting for us.

Detroit Metro Airport


We exited customs and saw our photographer waiting for us in baggage claim.


Ron went to get the bags and we played a little while we waited.







We then left the airport and Eden took her first ride in a car seat. The smiles didn't last long though. She didn't really like it.




Thirty one hours after waking up to start our trip home we finally pulled into our drive. We could hear our family cheering from inside as soon as we got out of the car.




Finally Home!



She walked in the door with a smile on her face.



Her sweet smile brought a tear to my eye.After every she had been through and after such a loooong trip home... I just couldn't believe she was smiling! I just love this sweet girl.


Adrian came up to meet his new sister.


One smile and we all fell in love.





Next, Luca came to say hello...




... and we became a family of five!


Adrian really wanted to hold her but she wasn't quite ready!



Luca had her laughing with his disappearing thumb trick.


Shortly after we went to bed and Eden and I slept for 15 hours straight!

This was such a happy day! One that I will never forget!

Losing Korea

Things are feeling different. I am not surprised each day to find that our daughter is finally home. It doesn't seem weird to see her playing happily in our family room. It's starting to feel like she has always been here.

As time passes... as we start to feel and live our new normal.. I feel like Korea is slipping away. Maybe it's because our trip isn't so fresh in my mind as when we first came home. Maybe it's because we no longer have or are using as many Korean items which were in some way a comfort to me... like we still had pieces of Korea with us. The little reminders of Korea aren't there each time I make a bottle... our Korean baby formula is long gone. I have just a couple of Korean diapers left, the toys that Eden brought from her home in Korea now sit at the bottom of the toy box when they used to be her favorites, no more Korean bottles or pacifiers, and even with the extras we bought her favorite Korean snacks are just about gone. Although I think about Eden's foster mother each and every day... the guilt and wondering of how she is doing don't occupy my thoughts as they did when we first came home.

I wonder if the same thing is happening with Eden. It must be.... and it makes me sad. I don't want to forget and I don't want her to forget Korea. Sure we will visit Korean restaurants, celebrate with a traditional Korean first birthday party, watch movies of our trip, and do what we can to incorporate some Korean culture into our family.... but it is sooo not the same. It's like a really watered down American version of Korea... not real. I am forever connected to this place... this beautiful place that stole my heart. I miss Korea and if I miss it after only being there less than a week... I know that she misses it a whole lot.

Our trip to Korea put into such perspective the loss that is involved with international adoption. To experience only a fraction of it as a parent is so powerful. The loss is raw. It is felt throughout your whole body... each of your senses, your heart.

All of this may explain why I am having such a hard time calling Eden... "Eden." We have been using her Korean name, Sei-in, since meeting her in Korea. At first it felt strange to call her Sei-in because for so long she was "Eden" in my heart and mind. We used her Korean name because she recognized it. Now, after a month, I have a hard time calling her anything else. Some of it is just habit but some of it has much more to do with not wanting to lose what's left of her life before coming to the US. I feel as though so much has been taken from her. Really... what's left? Her name... it's like the last piece. Each time I say it... it's a comfort, a reminder, a little nod to the life and people she had before. Her birth father gave her that name and everyone who has loved her and cared for her has called her by that name... who am I to take it away? So... it's hard for me. I didn't expect to feel this way. I wanted to give her an American name. I had read that many adopted children prefer American names because they already feel "different" and having a foreign name draws even more attention to that fact. I love the name Eden and have known for years that if I were blessed with a daughter I would use it. Now I just don't know what to do. Will she regret that we changed her name? Will she see this as just one more loss? When she learns that her birth father named her, will she feel that the one connection to her birth family was taken from her?

I feel so pressured right now to make a decision on one name or the other before she gets much older.

I am struggling with this.
Any thoughts?

Our Social Butterfly

We have a pretty happy girl. She has her moments... but overall she is smiling and now will belly laugh. She is incredibly social and has a smile for everyone. I have been real careful that she is not "mommy shopping" because she seriously has to have everyone that she sees stop and smile at her. Sometimes this behavior happens with adopted children. Here are two stories from a wonderful website called A4everFamily.org

While every child is different, here is our experience. Our son came off the plane happy, smiling, and laughing. He was a beautiful and happy sixth-month-old. We planned on not letting anyone hold the baby until we felt he adjusted. Well, he looked very well-adjusted from the get-go. Everything made him happy and he took to everything so easily. Carseat, stroller, crib, new bottles, new formula, sleeping through the night…everything was so easy to introduce to him. What a happy, easy baby! And boy did he love people! It even said so in his pre-flight report. He seemed so happy and so willing to go to his grandparents, aunts, and uncles...a lot of people were waiting anxiously for this baby along with us. He seemed to adjust so well that we threw away the no holding policy and let close family members hold him earlier than we expected. He was not passed around nor held for long periods of time, but he was very loving and seemingly unaffected by the exposure to multiple family members.
As time went on our son distanced himself more and more from me, his mother, but still went happily to everyone else. I was his primary caretaker and doing a lot to promote bonding, but he avoided me more and more in ways that seemed innocent but didn't feel right to me. By the time he was home four months, he was not happy when I fed him, changed him, held him, gave him a bottle or anything that required me caring for him. By this time he completely ignored my existence and became a full-time mommy shopper. He learned lots of interesting tricks to get the attention of other women. This child would have willingly left with a complete stranger from the grocery store and never would have looked back. Meanwhile, everyone else continued to see a baby who was so easy and sweet and good and loving...I did not see that child because when it was just the two of us, he avoided me and pushed me away. It was very painful and I thought at first it had something to do with me not being a good mother...I know that is not the case now.
We had our son evaluated by an attachment therapist at ten months old. We learned that he was sensitive to the attachment process. Basically, he had the opinion of been there, done that...mommies are not trustworthy, mommies leave, I will pick my own mommy...I am safe when I control who takes care of me.

and this one...

A few months after my son came home, it was clear that he was waiting for his next mommy to come and take him away. He even began to do a lot of "mommy shopping" and would make cute noises for other women and reach out to strange and random women no matter where we were. During playdates he made it his mission to sit in another mother's lap and not mine. To the rest of the world he looked very social, happy, and personable. Our friends and family were thrilled, each thinking they had a special relationship with our son, but little did they know he would have just as happily gone to a complete stranger. Allowing this behavior to continue was allowing my son to continue to avoid me, his forever mommy, reinforcing that mommies are replaceable. I needed to prove otherwise.

We have been careful not to have people hold her, feed her, change her and she seems to show signs of good attachment so far. It is just something to look out for. Even when things seem to be going so very well... you still need to be careful.

Two Weeks

It's been two weeks since we arrived home. Yesterday was the first day that we had no tears! Notta one!!!! She didn't cry through her diaper changes. She didn't cry when we changed her clothes. She didn't even whimper when I put her down to sleep.She didn't even cry during her bath! In fact... she not only sat in the sink... but she laughed and played and smiled! What a sweet little girl. I am telling you... she is amazing. As I rocked her to sleep last night she lay there so relaxed in my arms. Instead of having one hand clenched onto my shirt, both arms lay down limp. She would open her eyes and just stare at my face then slowly close them. When I stood up, instead of instantly waking and clinging onto me... she stayed relaxed and spread her little arms out when I put her in her crib like she was content and comfortable.

I am at work today and will be at work tomorrow too. I am off again next week though. Ron is home with her both days and I will be going home at lunch to see her. I miss her so much it's crazy. When I have to return to work full time it is totally going to stink. I am already counting down the days till summer vacation!!!!

This is the day we received Eden. We are just leaving SWS.

Starting to Feel Human Again

Today for the first time I am starting to feel human again. Our 31 hour trip home and jet jag really took a tole... not to mention a new baby! Today my mom and dad came over to help get the boys ready and off to school. Yesterday I tried to do this by myself and failed miserably. They were about 20 minutes late for school and there was lots of screaming (mostly from Eden) and it was very stressful. I felt like such a horrible mommy after they left. Eden won't let me out of her sight and won't let me put her down for a minute.. especially in the morning. Sooo... trying to make breakfast, get Luca dressed, pack backpacks up, help with getting boots on etc. was really hard. Plus, I had to drive the boys which meant getting Eden in her snowsuit and car seat... which she is not thrilled with. Anyway, thankfully things improved throughout the day. Eden will now play a bit on the floor and crawl around as long as I am sitting with her in the room. She also will sit in the high chair if distracted with food and if I am in eyesight. I know I need to be holding her as much a possible for bonding and attachment (and I am) but my back needs a break sometimes and with two other children I sometimes need to put her someplace safe so that I can help them with their needs as well. That has been the toughest... trying to be there and spend time with all of them. I missed them soooo much being gone and now I feel like I still miss them because now they are at school and when they are home I am so busy with Eden. I remember feeling this way when I had Luca and the guilt I felt about not being able to give Adrian my 100%. I know things will get better.

... and they are getting better

Eden slept in her crib last night for the first time. She has been sleeping in my bed with me up until last night. She is a crazy sleeper... all over the bed. I talked to my social worker last night and she agreed that it just isn't safe to have her in my bed with me. She also agreed that transitioning her right to the crib as opposed to to a portable crib in my room or sleeping on the floor would be best... one less change. She must like it because she slept through the night. I had to go in a few times and pat her butt but she went back to sleep and slept from about 9:30 - 8:30 this morning! Wooooo Hooooo! I really needed the sleep too!

Today we had her first well visit with our doctor. She did pretty well. Cried only when she had to lay on her back (which she always does) and when she had to sit in on the scale. The doctor said she looked great... healthy and happy. She is on target with her growth and development. She is now just over 19 pounds and is in the 55% for her weight on the American growth chart. She has met all of the milestones for her age. He said that it looks like she had great care in Korea.

After the doctor my mom and I met Ron for lunch. She sat in the highchair (WOW!) and ate her poofs. She was very happy.

Then we went to Target to get some formula and other essentials. She did great on her first shopping trip!!! No tears!

Also... she is now liking her car seat! She fell asleep in it and is currently still sleeping in it as I type!


Best of all... the biggest change I have seen is that she is so much more relaxed. She isn't as tense or worried. Her arms were not clenching on to me and she didn't have a worried little whine. She is happier and feeling more confident. We are getting there.

Quick thanks to my parents and Ron's parents who have been working so hard helping us with everything. I don't know what I would do without you!!!

A couple of pics...

On the plane.

Getting freshened up at the airport.

Our Girl- UPDATED WITH MORE PICTURES

"My life was spent in a holding pattern awaiting the happiest landing ever made…so wonderful I'd do it all over and over again if each flight led to you. But I still wouldn't be able to tell you how much you mean to me. I just want to start each day by opening my eyes and seeing you and end each day seeing you before I close them. In between times, I'll just look in my heart. You are always there."– R. Reagan







More to come! Too emotionally exhausted to write right now. Everything couldn't have gone better. She is amazing!

UPDATED

Right after waking up she wasn't so sure about us being there.


Eden's foster mother helped me bribe her to come to me with a snack.


Eden's foster mother gave us a beautiful hanbok.


She liked Ron right away just smiling at him... it was so cute! She even let him eat some of her snack!



Us with Eden's foster mother.


Eden and I with her foster mother and case worker.


All too soon it was time to go. I can't wait for tomorrow!!!