Please Read All The Way Through

Blog post written March 2009
After much thought, I have decided to end this blog. My original intention was to keep friends and family posted on the progress of our adoption. For the most part there has been nothing to report for the past year. Yes, referrals are still being given and our paperwork is still with China. However, the progress each month in matching children with families is so slow that our adoption appears to be almost unattainable. It is no exaggeration that we will most likely be waiting another four years or more. The four years are in addition to the two and a half since we started the process. That is something that we never expected. The wait was about 13 months when we attended our first informational meeting. We were told that the wait would “fluctuate” but no one informed us about the growing backlog of dossiers that were piling up in China. I don’t know who is responsible… China, CCAA, our agency, who knows. Maybe no one is to blame and to be honest…I don’t really care. I am over it. I stopped being mad a while ago. Now I am just heartbroken… sadder than I have ever felt in my life. This dream, if it ever actually comes to fruition, will be so different from the way it was imagined. My boys will be so much older than I had thought they would be… Ron and I will be so much older than we thought we would be. So much has changed since we started this process. The cost of this adoption will end up being thousands more than we anticipated due to China increasing their fees and our US government requiring us to keep updating our information every 18 months. The process and the money are frustrating, but nothing compares to the emotional toll the wait has made. I wake up with the pain of this wait and the looming wait ahead of us each and every day. It is something that unless you have experienced it, you can’t possibly understand.
Luca has been talking about Eden a lot lately. He has asked me if I have a baby in my tummy. He will say that he wants to go to China and get Eden. Last night as I tucked him into bed he told me that he wanted two sisters. He then said, “I will be ten when I get my sister. I hope it doesn’t take that many days. Like 130 cents”. I am not sure where the 130 cents fits in, but I can see that the wait is impacting him too. What is totally crazy is that he may not be that far off.
In stark contrast, Adrian never talks about Eden anymore. He did write in a book at school that the place he wanted to visit most was China because he wanted to get his sister. Other than that, he doesn’t bring her up. At Christmas there were some gifts wrapped in pink paper with a big “E” on them and he didn’t know who they were for. He thought that maybe they were for our old cat named Ezra. I know he didn’t mean anything by it, but gosh that hurt.
It appears that when all is said and done, Adrian will be starting college when Eden starts kindergarten. It breaks my heart that after all this, he will only have a few years with her at home.
After much soul searching and conversation Ron and I have begun to wonder if our daughter is in China. Could she be somewhere else? What is God’s plan? We have looked into other countries. Korea’s program is very strong right now. The children are usually very young at referral, the medical care in Korea is equivalent to the US, the babies are placed in foster care as opposed to orphanages, escorting is an option opposed to travel, the children are very healthy and usually developmentally on target, and the wait time is usually under a year. Financially, we are not in a place to start an adoption from Korea right now. Korean adoptions are more expensive than China adoptions and because the process is so much faster, families need to have the full amount pretty much up front. We also looked into a Nepal adoption. The country is fascinating. Nepal reopened their doors to adoption a few months ago and has many children that need homes. Referrals for this country have yet to arrive for waiting parents and it is taking longer for the program to get up and running. We looked into foster care but I worry about the emotional toll on the boys when the child leaves our family. I also found a waiting child whose file we reviewed. I kind of fell a little bit in love with her even though I tried really hard not to. However her medical records were very out of date and vague. International adoption already comes with many risks, taking on more risk in going the special needs route is not for everyone. I have prayed and asked God to tell me what to do. Show me a sign. I guess that is what I am waiting for now. So far God’s been pretty quiet.
So that is where I am today. Waiting for Him to reveal what it is that I am to do. Right now I believe that He is telling me to wait. For one reason or another waiting in this horrible miserable line is the only option that works for us… so that must be what we should be doing. If God has other plans for us, He will create an opportunity for us and we will take it. Until then, I will continue to take one day at a time, try to live in the moment, and as best I can… enjoy all of the blessings He has given me.


That blog entry was written in early March but I never published it. I’m not sure why. Soon after we learned what He has planned for us.

Our daughter is in Korea. We have been told we will have her home by next spring. I will write more about where we are in the process as well as what to expect in a new blog. I will keep you posted!