Tuesday, December 15

Three Months

Today marks three months since I saw my daughter's beautiful face for the first time. We are in the home stretch and I am expecting "the" call anytime now telling us that we can go and pick her up. SWS has been moving things along very quickly. The quickest I have seen is 4 days from the P3 being sent. I have seen a few other SWS families get the call within two weeks of P3... but you never know.

We are about to enter the ninth month since starting our Korean adoption and just like a pregnancy I sure can feel it. This is the point in my last two pregnancies where I felt like I really couldn't take it anymore. The sleepless nights, the "nesting", the preoccupation with everything baby, the let's get on with it already feeling. Just like a pregnancy, knowing that I will soon be holding my baby that I have been dreaming about for so long is exhilarating, comforting, and completely terrifying at the same time. I am nervous about the final meeting with her foster family. I know it will be emotional and painful. I am nervous about making sure I am doing the right thing for our grieving daughter. Sure, I have taken the classes and read the books... but as with so many things in life... until you are living it you don't really know what it's like. I am already losing sleep over going back to work after she comes home. The guilt is all consuming at times. I am nervous how this change will impact my boys, especially my current "baby" who is very much a Mommy's boy. I worry that I will not be good enough and I think that is normal... which is what I keep telling myself anyway. At times I am sure that someone in Korea will realize that this was all a big mistake and that there is no way they are going to let this sweet baby leave the country. So along with all of the joy, excitement, anticipation, and sometimes fear... I also have these illogical thoughts which tend to plague me too. Add the fact that I could get the call at any moment and just like when your water breaks with a pregnancy... all plans go out the window and we will be frantically figuring out the logistics for travel, childcare, work, etc. So if you see me and I have a crazed look about myself, if I jump about 10 feet in the air when my phone rings, if I have dark circles under my eyes from lack of sleep, or if I seem off in another world... it's just that it's the 9th month... and I'm in labor.

2 comments:

Jay and Emily said...

Great post. So true. You are in your 9th month. I remember with Fin and Mia - I so wanted to deliver them. I was so tired and uncomfortable but yet when time came, I was so scared and worried if I could do it. I know exactly how you feel and can tell you, you can do it. All will be okay. I might take time but you will find a new normal and routine. You are a great mom. Enjoy this time. Love you!

Jenny said...

so true! it's almost time to push, mama!!! i'm so happy for you!