Sunday, January 6

The Nine Month Monster

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We have now been logged in 9 months. This has been the worst month of the wait since we began our adoption. Maybe it's the whole "9 months" thing... like the mind and body know that there SHOULD BE A BABY HERE!!!!!!!!!! But... I think it may have more to do with the spinning out of control wait time. Referrals arrived at the end of December and it was as though someone had punched me in the stomach. It was the smallest batch since we started the process (and long before that too). It really took a toll. Wild thoughts kept running through my head, I couldn't concentrate, and I just was flat out depressed. Being depressed is not a good thing to be... especially when you are with children all day. It takes a lot of energy to fake it. I really began to question if we were on the right path... should we have another baby, should we switch countries and wondering if our adoption was even going to happen at all. Doubt and fear began to grow. After a lot of talking, we have made the decision to put all of our energy into keeping with our China adoption. We have accepted the fact that we very well could be waiting 5 years for our daughter and are moving on with our lives. It is what it is. I am done with my spreadsheets, my calculating and making guesses as to the next cut off, trying to figure out why the wait is so long and growing, and I am DONE CRYING. I want to go back to the good old days when this was a wonderful, positive, happy thing happening in my life. I realize that the only way to do that is to make an effort. Here is what I have decided...

1. I will only check the China "Rumor Site" once per week and will try :) to stay away from the forum. Don't get me wrong... I think this is a great site filled with lots of support and information. I just don't need to be quite so up to speed all the time.

2. We will celebrate each month's Log In Date anniversary. We were celebrating each month when referrals came out with a Chinese food dinner. Since referral time usually leaves me disappointed, frustrated, mad and sad... we will focus on the positive and celebrate the fact that we are one month closer to our Eden.

3. I will carry on with my life and appreciate and enjoy all of the wonderful blessings I have... not focus on the one thing I am missing.

4. I will try to accomplish some other dreams/goals that I have been thinking about.



Five years is a long time. Granted I know it could be shorter or even longer than that. I know that there are many friends and family members that love our daughter and will be hurt and frustrated to learn about how the wait has increased. That breaks my heart. I know that there are people who think that we are nuts for staying with the program and waiting that long. All I can say is that even if we were to have another biological child or switch countries, I would morn this adoption like a death. It would be the most painful and largest regret of my life. I just don't think that I could get over it. Eden may not be born yet, but she is very real to me. She has lived in my heart for so long now and not a day has gone by where I have not thought about her. I love her as much as a mother could love a child and I will wait for her as long as it takes. That being said, I have a new strength and resolve. I know the years ahead will not be easy but I know that this is the path that we are meant to be on. There is comfort in that.

4 comments:

Kevin and Violet said...

Well said Amiee. We've been kind of down lately too concerning the situation. Maybe that's because it was the holidays and we didn't have our little one with us to celebrate.
We also will soldier on. We have too much invested so far — monetarily and emotionally — to give up. Plus, we want to have a child and we still believe this is our best chance.
Take care.

Kevin and Violet

TeTe said...

She is worth the wait and I know you know that. You have all our support and understanding. As a mother, I can identify that she is very real and that you love her very much. Think about it, most people love their future children before they even get pregnant, they talk about baby names, nursry ideas, family parties, etc. It would be very much a death to quit now. Just as a miscarriage is heartbreaking so could ending your adoption. I am so happy you are moving forward and staying strong. Focus on the good, the love and the support. Emjoy your life now. The heartache will be there but you don't want to miss out on feeling all the good that the next few years has to offer too. I love you so much!

FHL said...

Aimee your post completely summed up the path my heart has been traveling. Thanks for sharing :-)

Kim & Jeff said...

Amiee - thanks for sharing your thoughts...

I agree that we all have to focus on the bright side and know that we will have a child in our arms in the end.

Keep up the positive thoughts :)