The new season of LOST starts Thursday night. Here is a great video of the events leading up to the crash of flight 815...all at once...from the air and land. Sooo Cool!

The Nine Month Monster

We have now been logged in 9 months. This has been the worst month of the wait since we began our adoption. Maybe it's the whole "9 months" thing... like the mind and body know that there SHOULD BE A BABY HERE!!!!!!!!!! But... I think it may have more to do with the spinning out of control wait time. Referrals arrived at the end of December and it was as though someone had punched me in the stomach. It was the smallest batch since we started the process (and long before that too). It really took a toll. Wild thoughts kept running through my head, I couldn't concentrate, and I just was flat out depressed. Being depressed is not a good thing to be... especially when you are with children all day. It takes a lot of energy to fake it. I really began to question if we were on the right path... should we have another baby, should we switch countries and wondering if our adoption was even going to happen at all. Doubt and fear began to grow. After a lot of talking, we have made the decision to put all of our energy into keeping with our China adoption. We have accepted the fact that we very well could be waiting 5 years for our daughter and are moving on with our lives. It is what it is. I am done with my spreadsheets, my calculating and making guesses as to the next cut off, trying to figure out why the wait is so long and growing, and I am DONE CRYING. I want to go back to the good old days when this was a wonderful, positive, happy thing happening in my life. I realize that the only way to do that is to make an effort. Here is what I have decided...

1. I will only check the China "Rumor Site" once per week and will try :) to stay away from the forum. Don't get me wrong... I think this is a great site filled with lots of support and information. I just don't need to be quite so up to speed all the time.

2. We will celebrate each month's Log In Date anniversary. We were celebrating each month when referrals came out with a Chinese food dinner. Since referral time usually leaves me disappointed, frustrated, mad and sad... we will focus on the positive and celebrate the fact that we are one month closer to our Eden.

3. I will carry on with my life and appreciate and enjoy all of the wonderful blessings I have... not focus on the one thing I am missing.

4. I will try to accomplish some other dreams/goals that I have been thinking about.



Five years is a long time. Granted I know it could be shorter or even longer than that. I know that there are many friends and family members that love our daughter and will be hurt and frustrated to learn about how the wait has increased. That breaks my heart. I know that there are people who think that we are nuts for staying with the program and waiting that long. All I can say is that even if we were to have another biological child or switch countries, I would morn this adoption like a death. It would be the most painful and largest regret of my life. I just don't think that I could get over it. Eden may not be born yet, but she is very real to me. She has lived in my heart for so long now and not a day has gone by where I have not thought about her. I love her as much as a mother could love a child and I will wait for her as long as it takes. That being said, I have a new strength and resolve. I know the years ahead will not be easy but I know that this is the path that we are meant to be on. There is comfort in that.

Taking a Cyber Vacation

I need some time to step back from the adoption world. My heart needs some relief.

December Happenings & Video

Warning... long post. If you don't feel like reading just scroll down for the video.

I have been neglecting my blog! So much has been going on but I have had no time to write! Monday we had NO SCHOOL (dance dance dance cheer cheer cheer) so I had a BONUS DAY to do more catching up on things around here. Soooo, the boys are momentarily entertaining themselves so I will tell a little bit about the past few weeks.

* Christmas is here! It really is the most wonderful time of the year. It's just sooo much fun. I love everything about it! I love the pace of it all, the whirlwind of everything happening leading up to the big day. Plus, it gives me a great excuse to do one of my favorite activities... SHOPPING!

* We kicked off the season with a trip to Bronners in Frankenmuth. We do this every year. Our hotel had a pool and the boys had a blast swimming and hanging out in the arcade area. The next day we went to Bronners and spent a few hours shopping for Christmas items. The boys always pick out an ornament to take home. This year, Luca chose a red truck, Adrian chose a hockey player ornament, and we chose a Chinese flag for Eden. We also bought another piece to our Christmas village. This year we added "Mrs. Claus' Northwood's Nursery" and some small excessories. The crowds were not bad at all which was a nice surprise!

* A few days later we started decorating our house. It took about three days to complete. This year instead of hauling up all of my boxes up from the basement, I only brought out a couple at a time. This really de-stressed the whole house decorating day. Luca and Adrian helped trim the tree in our den. We put all of the collectable and child made treasures on this tree. I just love it.... my favorites are the ones they have made at school. Ron was busy hanging lights outside and getting the village set up. We have another tree in our living room. This is our more formal tree with silver and red. I have a collection of Beyer's carolers that I set up on one of my fireplaces and also on my table in the foyer. I love these and have been collecting them for quite a while now.

* We have attended a number of Christmas gatherings. There was the Clarkson Roundabout. We met at my aunts for appetizers, went to my other aunt's for dinner, then to a third aunts for dessert. Everything was so yummy and it was nice to see everyone's Christmas decorations. I went to a cookie exchange with my friends from work. I took the easy route and did the Break and Bake Smore's cookies. I had to make EIGHT DOZEN so homemade was just not an option for me. A couple of nights ago we attended Adrian's hockey Christmas party. The boys were so cute and sooo excited. I had to cancel our yearly Christmas Caroling night at my house due to a major snowfall (hence the snow day today) and many guests being too sick to come. Bummer. I know it sounds dorky but it really is a lot of fun. I love seeing some of the expressions of people when they come to the door. To help ease the disappointment of canceling the party we had a mini Christmas party at home just us. I made some Christmas cookies and the boys got to open one present.

* Referrals arrived over a week ago but I didn't have the time to even post it. China Center of Adoption Affairs sent referrals for people logged in through December 14, 2005.... only 6 days worth. Good thing there are lots of distractions and happiness around me to get too down about it. Did I mention how HARD IT IS TO WAIT???

* The Christmas excitement continued when we went to visit Santa. The night before we decided to make cards for Santa. I brought out paper, markers, stickers, etc. Adrian got busy right away and made a nice card. Luca starting working on his then decided, "I better buy Santa some chocolate." He somehow knew that a card just wasn't going to cut it this year. After all of his antics this year, he better butter Santa up a little. :) Our trip to visit Santa was not uneventful. I rushed home from work, bathed both boys and got them in their Christmas outfits, left the house and stopped to have Luca pick out a chocolate bar for Santa, and rushed to meet my parents and sister's family at the mall. The boys looked beautiful. My two nephews are so amazingly adorable. Our goal was to have the boys each visit with Santa then have all four boys sit on Santa's lap for a picture. When we got there Santa was on break so we waited in line. All the sudden we all spotted him coming down the escalator. It was so cute! All the kids were cheering and Santa was waving. Santa got off the escalator and headed straight for Luca. Luca, without skipping a beat, yelled, "Santa I want the real Buzz Lightyear, a Woody doll, and a Spiderman on a motorcycle!" He had been rehearsing it for days and the first eye contact made with Santa he belted it out. He wasn't taking any chances. Santa shook his hand and then headed for the big chair. If there is a test for children to see who is naughty or nice it should be the line for Santa. Mix dress clothes, a small confined space, waiting for your turn (a skill some adults have trouble with), and a level of excitement that is off the charts and you get a potential disaster. All things considered the boys did really well. Luca kept us laughing because each time he caught a glimpse of Santa he would yell (loud enough so that my sister who was on the opposite side of the line could hear), "SANTA, LOOK WHAT I BROUGHT FOR YOU!" He would then wave the candy bar in the air. Once it was time for their turn the enormity of it all took over and they became shy. I couldn't even get them to smile... as you will see in the video. We then managed to get all four boys on Santa's lap for about 10 seconds... not long enough for the girl to even snap a picture. Good thing we got one on our camera. After visiting with Santa we all got some dinner, took a carrousel ride, then did a little shopping. Luca got thirsty so I got some lemonade for him which he ended THROWING UP ALL OVER HIMSELF about 2 seconds after he drank it. He was covered head to toe.. and did I mention he was wearing his Christmas outfit? About midnight and needed a breathing treatment and then again I woke up at 4:00am with my poor baby standing in my bedroom with vomit all over him. Have you ever cleaned a trail of vomit from a bedroom, down each step of your stairway, and into your bedroom at 4:00 in the morning? It's not fun. I was on alert for our annual Christmas time barf fest (more on that another time... let's just say it wouldn't be the first.. or second time we have all gotten a stomach bug at Christmas) but no one else got sick. It must be a Christmas miracle. Luca was fine by the next day thankfully too.

There are only a few more days until Christmas. We have our school Christmas parties, a couple of last minute gifts to buy and then it will all be over... all too soon.

Here is my rough draft Christmas video. Still lots more to add though!

8 Months Since Log In Date

Oh Magic Eight Ball, I think of my baby girl all the time. I just want her here with me. I love her so much. Part of me is missing. When will I have my sweet baby in my arms?