Tuesday, November 23

Another Step Forward in Attachment

Yesterday I had an appointment after work but needed to stop home real quick before leaving for my appointment. My in-laws were in town and were watching Eden. When I walked in I was greeted with a screaming, running, smiling, sweet hello. She was so happy to see me. :) I gave her a quick hug and then turned to leave. Well... then the tears came. "Maaamaaaaa... Maaaamaaaaa!" This was a first! I thought that maybe it was a fluke... but then this morning she cried for me again as I left for work. Same sad, "Mama"... with real crocodile tears.

Although I really hate leaving her upset (she calmed down with her favorite distraction... food) and it breaks my heart to leave her.... I can't help but smile. See... up until now she hasn't shown a real preference towards me. She seems to tolerate me and seems to like me alright... but nothing more than that. She let me into hear world, but not into her heart. I felt like she knew I would meet her needs and was a comfort to her, but if I left tomorrow she wouldn't really care. I was replaceable. She never put up a fuss when I have had to leave her before. Although she is happy to see me, my "hellos" pale in comparison to the ones she gives to Daddy. There were even days when I would get home from work and she would grab my mom's leg and cry because I was home. Talk about rejection. It's been tough. For a while I felt like a servant.. feed me, clothe me, comfort me, get me what I want. All the while I keep waiting for something. Some little sign that I have have broken through and have entered her heart... that she didn't just want someone to be with her... but that she wanted ME to be with her.. that I have something that no one else has... that she has set me apart. I know it is selfish.. after all she has been though... focusing on my need to feel "special." I wonder how long it would take me to love again if everyone and everything I have ever loved and known was taken from me. She has done remarkably well, considering.

Honestly, what makes me even happiest is knowing that she feels confident and safe enough to let me in a little bit... to start to love me.

10 comments:

Lynn said...

Just the beginning in a very special bond that will last a lifetime!! Congratulations! I know this means so very much!

Elizabeth@Romans8:15 said...

Realizing this is so special! What a big step!

Christy said...

Wow! So happy that she's growing closer to you and letting you in. Thank you for your honesty! I know the day will come when that will help us so much!

Jay and Emily said...

That is wonderful news. You know how much we all adore and love her. I know that she loves you very much. I am so happy that you are getting to experience these steps in bonding. I know there are more to come.

Anonymous said...

I was there that morning, you turned to leave and she screamed, "mama" with big tears in her eyes. I felt so sad...yet there it was...Eden reaching out, crying out for her mother. It brought tears to my eyes and comfort to my heart.

Debbie Sauer said...

My grnaddaughters cry when I leave, and they aren't adopted. I think it's something that they all do. Anyway, a wonderful step for you. Just keep on doing what you are doing. She is precious. Blessings.

Anonymous said...

good shared journeytoeden.blogspot.com

Gary and Lisa said...

So awesome!!!! I have had the exact same experience with Cooper!! It is hard...b/c you love them so much, & they just aren't ready to give it back to you! But when they do, it is worth the wait!!

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